Deal with your anger with these 15 calming actions

Learn to diffuse your anger before you lash out or look foolish.

You certainly recognize anger when you feel it. It sometimes manifests itself in the form of irritation, indignation or frustration. At the high end of the anger intensity scale, you may find yourself screaming like a banshee, slamming doors, or even throwing a punch. This explosive anger generally leads to regret unless you know how to calm yourself down.

1. Acknowledge the feelings.

Anger is an emotion that does not necessarily reflect reality. When we get caught up in anger, we often have knee-jerk reactions because the emotions feel so real and powerful.

Emotions come and go, but behavior has long-lasting consequences. When you are angry, try to remind yourself that it is just a feeling and that it will pass soon enough. Sit with the feeling for a few minutes without saying or doing anything. If you feel like crying, do so if it relieves the tension.

2. Breathe for five minutes.

Anger causes many physical reactions: a rush of adrenaline, increased heart rate, tensing of muscles and rapid breathing. When you manage these physical symptoms, you can also start to calm your mind.

If possible, close your eyes and take five minutes to practice abdominal breathing. Count each breath to ten and say the number as you exhale. Do this several times until you feel your heart rate slow and your body relax.

3. Excuse yourself.

If another person provokes your anger, excuse yourself before responding. Say something like, “I need to step away for a moment,” and leave the room so you can manage your feelings and practice breathing privately.

At the time, it may feel good to yell and scream or respond with a snarky comment, but you know that’s not the best way to respond, even if the other person is behaving badly. Taking a walk outside, going for a run, or exercising in some way can help reduce angry feelings.

4. Identify the root.

When you are calmer, ask yourself what really made you so angry. How did you feel threatened? This requires some deeper self-examination. You might say that you were initially angry at your partner because “he’s acting like a jerk.” But what’s really behind that feeling?

Use this question template to help you: “When my husband (wife, boss, etc.) says (does) _______, I feel like ________.” Don’t use the word “angry” or a related word to describe your feelings. Dig out the threat behind the anger. Maybe this makes you feel inferior, unloved, disrespected, stupid, etc.

5. Explore the feelings.

When you think of the word or words that describe the threat you feel, explore those feelings more closely. Sometimes the feelings are legitimate, healthy responses to unwarranted or undeserved treatment.

Other times it’s not so clear. Maybe someone makes a passing comment, but you interpret it negatively because you have low self-esteem or you just feel tired. Try to step outside yourself and look at the situation with sober eyes.

6. Use the balloon or box trick.

There are situations that provoke anger, but they are not worth spending a lot of time or mental energy on. Suppose someone cuts you off while driving or makes a passive-aggressive comment about you. These situations are transient and unlikely to occur again in the same person.

Try to visualize your anger as a ball of energy and mentally place it in a balloon. Then release the balloon and imagine it floating away and disappearing from view. Or mentally put the situation and your anger in a box and put it on a shelf to sort through later when you are calmer.

7. Write about it.

Writing is a great way to release your anger and explore your feelings. When a situation arises that provokes anger, first let it flow onto the page and let go of all your angry thoughts. Then write the scenario as if you were a bystander observing it and write down the situation as you remember it.

Explore the emotional threat behind the anger, and write about that too. Then write a plan to deal with the situation in a healthy way. What kind of change do you desire? How can you communicate that in a calm way?

8. Look at it from the other person’s perspective.

Take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What caused them to say or do the thing that caused your anger? Maybe they were completely blind to your feelings. Maybe they were tired, distracted, or in emotional pain. Maybe you said or did something that triggered them.

By understanding and empathizing with the other person, you can soothe your angry feelings. Most people are unconscious in the way they react and respond, and they are just doing the best they can.

9. Seek honest advice.

When we feel angry, we want other people to validate and affirm our feelings. We want someone to say, ‘You’re right, and they’re wrong. You are good, and they are bad.” But looking to others to categorically support our position does not serve us. It only provides temporary relief.

Find a trusted friend or confidant and review the situation and your feelings about it. Seek honest, unbiased feedback so you can respond in a healthy, productive way when the time comes.

10. Avoid passive aggressiveness.

Some people don’t have angry outbursts, even when they feel extremely angry. They use passive aggression to express their anger, perhaps thinking this is a more acceptable, calm response.

Commenting under your breath, covering the silence, or covering up criticism with compliments are examples of passively showing your anger. But this behavior never really addresses the problem head-on and can lead to more anger and frustration. It is better not to say or do anything until you can express your feelings candidly and calmly.

11. Use some energy.

One of the best ways to release the negative energy of anger is through physical exercise. Get outside and take a long walk or brisk walk. Do jumping jacks, sprints or anything else that makes your heart beat faster.

Physical activities like this release serotonin, a natural calming chemical, in your brain. But don’t try to express your anger by hitting a pillow or hitting the wall. These angry physical outbursts only increase your anger.

12. Try visualization.

Use all that emotional energy to focus your mind and visualize yourself as the calm, centered, and relaxed person you want to be. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and imagine that you are completely unperturbed, talking to others in a calm manner and managing the situation without anger.

Imagine the person you want to be in the situation, and do your best to emulate that person.

13. Listen to soothing music.

Certain music is known to reduce anxiety and arousal. In fact, specific types of music have been scientifically proven to calm the autonomic nervous system, endocrine and psychological stress response. Classical music and nature sounds are especially effective.

If something has caused your anger, try stepping away and putting on earplugs so that the music is playing directly into your ears, without any other distractions. Your central nervous system thanks.