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Valentine’s Day can be a fun, cheerful and romantic day that you have looked forward to during the gloomy winter months.
But it can also be a sad time if you’re single or in a bad relationship, or maybe you approach it too seriously and get all stressed out about that special day.
To help you with that, I’d like to share 101 of the funniest Valentine’s Day quotes.
Timeless thoughts to give you a few good laughs, help you relax and have a wonderful day, wherever you are in your life.
And don’t forget to share one or a few of your favorites with your partner, friends, family and anyone else you think might need them right now or who you know would get a good laugh.
Funny Valentine’s Day quotes for a more fun and less stressful day
“Remember, your Valentine’s Day card shows that you care enough to send your very best, even if you’re too lazy to say it in your own words.”
– Melanie White
“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.”
–Tracy Smith
“Money-saving tip for Valentine’s Day: break up on February 13. Reconvene on the 15th.”
–David Letterman
“You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can put a price tag on all the accessories.”
– Melanie Clark Pullen
“We have to remember what is important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work comes third.”
–Leslie Knope
“Wombs before duderuses… Ovaries before brovaries.”
– Leslie Knope (from the TV show Parks & Recreations)
“Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s take pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not strange at all.”
–Jimmy Fallon
“Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”
– Jay Leno
“The 99 Cent Only Store calls itself your Valentine’s Day headquarters. Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can call the garage your new home.
– Jay Leno
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Simple. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
– Michael Scott
“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.”
–Jim Gaffigan
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate every now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“First Valentine’s Day, 200,000 BC: Men and women gather on opposite sides of Pangea, waiting for someone to make the first move.”
– Kristen Schaal
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay dearly for it.”
– Henny Youngman
“The secret to a long marriage is staying away.”
– Dolly Parton
“I wonder which fool it was who first invented kissing.”
–Jonathan Swift
“All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was an American Express card.”
– Milton Berle
Funny Valentine’s Day quotes and jokes about being single
“Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have someone special, you’re alone.”
–Lewis Black
“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
– Garry Shandling
‘I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin
“I almost had a paranormal girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”
–Steven Wright
“The nice thing about Valentine’s Day is that people discover who is single and who they should be jealous of.”
– Faye Morgan
“True love is like ghosts that everyone talks about and few have seen.”
– François de la Rochefoucauld
“You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you are near a lake and have bread.”
– Mike Primavera
“Nobody loves me as much as I do, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.”
–Adam Rippon
“People should fall in love with their eyes closed.”
–Andy Warhol
“The one you love and the one who loves you are never the same person.”
–Chuck Palahniuk
‘Have you ever been in love? Terrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable.”
–Neil Gaiman
“My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships these days.”
–Jacques Torres
“Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex or attractiveness of character, but merely through the ability to appear not very interested in him.”
– Bridget Jones (from the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary)
“If you text someone ‘I love you’ and they write back an emoji, no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
–Chelsea Peretti
“Love is a mutual gift of self that ends in self-restoration.”
– Fulton J. Sheen
“Love does not come to you unexpectedly; you have to send signals, a bit like a radio amateur.”
–Helen Gurley Brown
Hilarious Valentine’s Day quotes for him and have a positive day
“Love means nothing in tennis, but it is everything in life.”
– Unknown
“No matter what you look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
–Phyllis Diller
“I told my wife that a man is like wine: he gets better with age. She locked me in the basement.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“I promise to love you, respect you, support you, and most of all, make sure I don’t just yell at you because I’m hungry.”
– Gladys Canby
‘What’s the best way to make your husband remember your anniversary? Getting married on his birthday.”
–Cindy Garner
“I think men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
–Rita Rudner
“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.”
–Oscar Wilde
“A man’s most important job is to protect his wife from her desire to get bangs every month.”
– Dax Shepard
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on to something.”
– Fran Lebowitz
“A man knows he is in love when he loses interest in his car for a few days.”
–Tim Allen
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comedian. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.”
–Jerry Seinfeld
“As a man in a relationship you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May
“I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top of it.”
– Joe King
“I love you in a way that is sickening to others.”
– Dinah Mijt
“The bravest thing men do is love women.”
– Mort Sahl
“The jewelers say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while women tell you they love you with, ‘Okay, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.'”
– George López
“Marrying a man is like buying something you have admired for a long time in a shop window. You might love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.
–Jean Kerr
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half closed afterwards.”
–Benjamin Franklin
‘By all means, get married. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you become a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“Love is a lot like back pain: it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.”
–George Burns
“Love is a fire. But you never know whether it will warm your hearth or burn down your house.”
–Joan Crawford
“Men want the same things from their underwear as women want: a little support and a little freedom.”
–Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes for Friends and Your BFF
‘What is Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.
–Leslie Knope
“Love is being stupid together.”
– Paul Valery
“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles Schulz
“I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.”
– Hollywood
‘I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.”
– Gerry Attrick
‘I’m yours. No refunds.”
– Unknown
“I love you whatever you do, but do you have to do that much of it?”
– Jean Illsley Clarke
‘Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember: Oh, I put up with you. So we are equal.”
– Basket Lynne
‘I love you with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.”
– Emma Nate
“I love you even more than I’m annoyed by you. That’s a lot.”
– Brighton asked
“If there is a law against friendship, lock me up.”
–Leslie Knope
“Every day I fall more and more in love with you. Except yesterday, yesterday you were quite annoying.”
– Count E. Vogel
“I promise I’ll be the first to stomp on your sweet, sweet zombie head.”
– Unknown
Short, cute and funny Valentine’s Day quotes
“Love is a serious mental illness.”
–Plato
“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
“Love means never having to say sorry – but I highly recommend you say it anyway.”
– Sandra Shea
“Love means you don’t have to hold your farts in anymore.”
– Bree Luckey
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
–Les Dawson
“Love is like war: easy to start, but very hard to stop.”
– H.L. Mencken
“I promise to always make you feel when you’re trying to get ready in the morning.”
– Upton O. Goode
“Who wears the pants in our relationship? We prefer it if neither of us wears pants.”
– Felix quoted
“Love is great; divorce costs a hundred thousand dollars.”
– Unknown
“I really like you, even if my resting bitch face says otherwise sometimes.”
– Fay Collins
“Would you like to be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We are married.”
–Sarah Kelly
“Love is what you have experienced with someone.”
–James Thurber
“You rainbow-drenched space unicorn.”
– Leslie Knope
“Love is just a chocolate substitute.”
– Melanie Clark Pullen
“A lady’s imagination is very quick; it jumps in an instant from admiration to love, from love to marriage.”
–Jane Austen
“Love is patient, love is kind, love is slowly going crazy.”
– Jay Thomas
“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drop by again?”
– Unknown
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
– Billy Kristal
“Love is like an hourglass, filling the heart while emptying the brain.”
– Jules Renard
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”
– Jenny Han
“Love is the same as fun, except it makes you feel sexier.”
– Judith Viorst
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
– Richard Jeni
“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took all of five minutes.”
– Lucille Bal
“Love is an electric blanket with someone else controlling the switch.”
–Cathy Carlyle
“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
–Joseph E. Morris
“Marriage is like tights. It all depends on what you put into it.”
– Phyllis Schlafl
“Love is telling someone that their hair extensions are showing.”
– Natasha Leggero
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal
“Love with old men is like the sun on the snow: it dazzles more than it warms.”
– JP Senn
“The problem with some women is that they don’t get turned on by anything at all – and then they marry him.”
–Cher
Want more uplifting inspiration for Valentine’s Day? Then check out these 100 short Valentine’s Day captions, the 101 inspiring Valentine’s Day quotes here and these love quotes. Plus the short and romantic quotes in this post and these top 35 love quotes for him.